I have decided to step away from work.
This decision has been several years in the making, although I have — more or less effectively — avoided coming to this realization over that time.
Several life events have helped me realize that my ability to healthily — physically, mentally, and emotionally — balance my professional career with my personal life has become increasingly ineffective. Being somewhat older and somewhat wiser (or at least more aware of this lack of balance), I have come to the decision that to lead a healthier personal life, I need to step away from my career.
This is not an easy decision and, as I’ve said, I have been struggling to come to this point for several years. But once I allowed myself to see a life separate from my programming career, a lot of my anxiety and stress has eased.
I regret leaving in the middle of a project, but I think any “break up” (external or internal) is always challenging and will always feel ill-timed. In the interest of my health and serenity, this is the correct choice for me.
This decision has nothing to do with any individuals, teams, or projects. It has everything to do with me. I recently said, “Part (a lot?) of my [professional] success has been due to my frenetic pace, trying to outrun my self-doubt! And that just ain’t working any more.” I am tired, and want to “relax” and enjoy some quiet time, without work deadlines, without worrying that I am “failing”. Having never had any real computer science education (well, except for Introductory Pascal back in the early 80s!), I have always felt like an imposter. I feel I have succeeded by sheer dint of will, effort, and pace. At this point, I am exhausted.
I appreciate all who have shown me friendship, love, and support over the years. Almost to a person, I have been accepted and treated warmly throughout my career, and my current “crew” at Pistol Shrimp is no different. As I’ve stated, it’s not about “them” — it’s about me. I have never doubted the current and future success of any team I have been a part of, and that continues. But my future success needs to be based on more than my ability to think, react (and type!) quickly. Although slightly chagrined at realizing I’m just not producing work (or enjoyment) at the level I should be, I need to make this change.
Work has defined me for decades. That is probably unhealthy to the extreme to which I took it. I am grateful for what my career has afforded me, but I am relieved to look at a life beyond work. I suppose I may miss the daily challenges of work. Then again, maybe not! But I am looking forward to different challenges: helping my kids build their careers/lives, reading all those books I’ve been meaning to (and maybe getting the gumption to try writing one myself?!), becoming world renowned for my fantasy sports success 🙂. Mostly, though, I’m simply looking forward to not feeling inadequate for and overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me, whatever they may be.
Thanks again to any and all who have trudged alongside me on this journey. I couldn’t have done it without you!
Regards,
Ken